Hello everybody. It’s gone midnight, I’m really tired and I can’t sleep. I just want to lay in bed and cry, which is what I’m doing. Crying myself to sleep. I thought writing about this would help in some way, so that is why I am sharing my feelings here on my blog.
I am in love with someone who does not love me back and it’s the worst feeling in the world. I spent the night with this person last night and I fell asleep with a smile on my face, I had the best time.
This person makes me so so happy, I love everything about him and when I’m with him everything feels right and okay, but the minute he’s gone I start to feel terribly insecure and jealous, and all the doubts flood my mind.
I hate going round and round in circles with this guy. Forever going weeks without talking just for us to make up again. It’s annoying and frustrating. In all honesty, during the weeks we aren’t talking I am absolutely fine, I can concentrate on my own life and be happy but as soon as he comes back I lose myself again. I don’t want it to be this way. I know the smart thing to do would be to cut off all contact but I can’t just give up on someone I love. I don’t understand how I can feel so much for someone and feel a connection with someone who doesn’t feel the same for me? How can I feel that this guy is supposed to be by my side, but he could so easily let me go? I find it so so strange that I can feel someone is destined to be a part of my life, I can need this guy so much yet he doesn’t need me at all. The thought of not having him as a part of my life completely crushes me. I’ve lived without him before and I have been happy, but it feels different this time. I really really don’t want to let him go, because if I do then I can’t ever ever ever let him back again. This has to be it now. I need to find a way for him to be a part of my life without it hurting so much. To be fair he hasn’t even done anything wrong this time to hurt me, it’s just unfortunate that I have feelings for him, thats what hurts. But I have to try. To go into more personal detail here, I know sleeping with him doesn’t help at all. Why would he care for me or make an effort for me when I give him what he wants so easily? I just can’t help myself, and how can I say no without it creating an awkward atmosphere, with the inevitable awkward chat to follow which will just result in me closing up? And what if he doesn’t want to see me if I don’t want to sleep with him. It just seems easier to go along with it and hope for the best. I think the first step to solving this problem is to not sleep with him anymore. The second step is honesty. I’m not going to provoke some deep chat about ‘feelings’ or ‘love’ with him anytime soon but when he asks me to come over, I can be truthful and tell him how it makes me feel.
I’m already dreading the coming week, it’s his birthday soon and I already feel jealous at the prospect of him celebrating with his friends, having fun and partying with them, knowing I’m not an important enough part of his life and he doesn’t want me to celebrate with him too.
All I know is when I look at this guy I feel nothing but love and everything feels so right. All my doubts melt away. In some ways I do think he cares about me, even if its just a little amount of care. But I don’t know if thats enough. I can imagine if he had a list of people he cares about, in order, I would be so far down, like very near the bottom. To me he is up there with some of my closest friends.
I know I’m not going to give up. I am going to try with the LOA magic practice again as of tomorrow and I do genuinely believe this will help me. I have to try. I just wish I could find a way to not think so negatively. I don’t expect him to have feelings for me really, when we go up and down like a yo-yo. I guess it will take time for his feelings to grow, if they ever do. For me losing him once was enough to make me realise how much he meant to me and ever since then I think I have thought about him almost everyday. I’ve always believed he is meant to be a part of my life, so I guess I need to trust in the Universe and have faith.
I am so thankful that I spent the night with him last night and I definitely had a good time. It’s a memory I will treasure forever, I wish I could rewind 12 hours and freeze time. I wish I could stay in that moment and never let it go. Hopefully if dreams do come true and miracles do happen, then I will have many more memories to treasure with him in time to come.
It feels so good to write out my feelings, if anyone has any advice on what I could do to make this situation better then I would appreciate it if you could share it with me please, in the meantime I will be on google searching up articles such as ‘How to make a man fall in love with you’. Hahaha.
As always, thankyou so much for reading. All my love, Jennie ❤️ xxxxxxxxxxx