Anybody who knows me will know that when it comes to dating, my behaviour can be nothing short of shocking. Although of late I think I’ve learnt some valuable lessons when it comes to love, relationships and romance etc. it’s taken me a lot of funny, awkward and downright weird situations to get here. Which is 100% a good thing, because my life certainly wouldn’t be half as entertaining if I didn’t do the weird things that I do and when it comes to story time with the girls, I always have an abundant of giggly tales to tell them.
Thanks to my dating ‘disasters’ as we could call them, I have definitely gained experience and learnt a lot of lessons, especially lessons in how not to date! So if you’d like a few of my tips and tricks on how not to do it, so you don’t make the same mistakes yourselves in the future, feel free to read on and get ready to learn!
1) After being complimented around 1000 times, do not repay the favour by sending bitmoji’s saying ‘UR LIT’.
Yes, I did that. After my man (who’s not my man) had spent the whole week sending me sweet compliments, replying to all my selfies with kind words but receiving no more than a thanks from me I thought it was about time I treat him to a compliment for himself. Which was easier said than done. Sorry, but how do you compliment a guy exactly??? In person it’s different, but don’t think I’m about to be writing soppy words like ‘you’re so handsome’ or even worse ‘you’re fit’, over text to a guy who I’ve only just started seeing. It’s a no from me. It should have been a yes though, as what I decided to send was even worse. How did I choose to compliment my man? I sent him a bitmoji saying ‘UR LIT’. UR LIT!!!!! I mean, how is that even a compliment? I genuinely meant it in the best way possible, but poor guy, urban dictionary the word for lit and it actually means drunk, so I’ve just told my man who’s not my man he’s drunk. At 5pm in the afternoon. Okay then. In future I’ll just take the soppy route, because surely anything’s better than the bitmoji.
2) When attempting round 2 of complimenting someone, do not send a GIF of Justin Bieber saying ‘You’re amazing’
Unless you’ve been blessed with a man sent from actual Heaven, I can probably guarantee that no guy is looking for a compliment from Justin Bieber. So when promising to try harder at complimenting my man I probably should have thought twice when picking out a Bieber Fever gif. Safe to say, my boy was not impressed. I had to swiftly promise never to mention the Biebs again and move onto a more appropriate topic of conversation… the weather.
3) When asked out on a date, do not say you can’t do a certain day because Dancing On Ice is on TV that night
So we all saw Celebs Go Dating where Gemma Collins stood her man up and cancelled on her Paris date because she decided she’d rather stay home and watch a Kardashian marathon on E right? Well, that’s literally me. Except I didn’t stand my boo up, I told him well in advance I couldn’t do that day. Guys, Dancing On Ice is a TV masterpiece and not to be missed for the sake of a date, I don’t care if it’s Zac Efron or David Beckham himself asking to take me out, I am not missing DOI. I mean I know it’s 2018 and there’s catch up TV and the record button on my SKY remote but if you’re asking me to choose between Torvill and Dean and a potential bae? Of course Torvill and Dean are going to win every time. Okay, maybe I need to get my priorities in check. If I’m ever lucky enough to be asked out again, the rink can take a backseat.
4) When lucky enough to be asked out for a date again even though you’ve pied your man for a TV show, do not be indecisive and picky about where you want to go, MAKE A DARN DECISION!!!!
Imagine my guy lives out of town, so he’s not to know what there is to do in my area. Me on the other hand, I’ve spent 90% of my life in this city so I know it like the back of my hand, so when asked what I want to do and where I’d like to go, someone tell me why I insisted the poor guy who’s probably spent about as much time here as a sea lion (aka none) had to make the decision about where to go. Ha, I swear I wasn’t born this evil. Even after he states 10000 times that he doesn’t know what we could do, what do I reply with? Google it. GOOGLE IT. Not only was I coming across as the biggest diva since Beyoncé, but it probably looked like I wasn’t interested at all since I made no suggestions of what we could do whatsoever and when he replied saying ‘why don’t we do something when we actually have a plan’ all I said was ok. Ok. Like I really didn’t give a monkeys when we all know I did. Next time I’m going in with the suggestions. Ice Skating, Bowling, Mini Golf, my man’s gonna have options coming out of his ears.
5) When being asked out for a Nandos do not reply to the guy telling him you don’t like Nandos, when everyone knows it’s your favourite and you go at least once a week. PLS. What is wrong with me?
We all love Nandos right? It’s very rare for somebody to not like Nandos. So tell me why when my babes said to me ‘lets go Nandos’ did I reply saying ‘I don’t like Nandos’? What. Am I okay? What is wrong with me? WHY DID I LIE THIS WAY? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHEN WILL I LEARN? I LOVE NANDOS. I COULD SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF TOPS HOW MUCH I LOVE NANDOS. SO TELL ME WHY I TOLD THIS BOY OTHERWISE. I am crazy. Although in fairness, Nandos for a first date is not the one so it’s fair I would expect to go somewhere else. I need romance, not a half an hour date with some spicy rice and halloumi on the side. Nandos comes when you’re comfortable you know, next time at least suggest a proper restaurant!
6) When trying to redeem yourself from the said Nandos situation don’t send a snapchat to your man of a Nandos takeout bag saying ‘your place or mine’ and definitely don’t tell him he’s too spicy for you.
After losing my mind for all of 5 minutes thinking I’d blown my chances with my man because I claimed to not like Nandos, my work girls really convinced me to send him a picture of the takeout bags which say ‘your place or mine’ on to indicate that despite previous statements, I was in fact interested in going for a Nandos. When he replied with a selfie I thought wtf? Is that a yes or a no? Anyway, minutes later he’d asked me what spice I ordered to which I replied ‘medium, yourself?’ to which he responded with a simple ‘I’m hot’ plus a flame emoji. That was probably the perfect opportunity for me to respond with a flirty compliment back right? Like yes boo, you ARE hot. But nope, instead what do I reply? Smooth talking J Lo over here replies with a classic one liner, ‘too spicy for me then’. As I’m sure you won’t be surprised to hear, my man never responded after that. Oops. And with that, another one bites the dust. On to the next one, I’ll be better next time, I swear…
I hope you’ve had a good laugh reading up on all my top tips on what not to do when it comes to dating and I hope you’ve learnt something! May you all have better luck in your dating life than I do (well the old me, I’ve realised now I do actually need to up my game, I’m getting better I swear) and remember, UR LIT is not a compliment!