For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been afraid of ‘love’. I put the word love in inverted commas because it’s not so much love I’m afraid of, because I love many people and many things, but the thought of falling for someone has always given me incredible anxiety. For a few years I experienced a bad relationship, but even before I met my ex I still had the fear, so it’s never been anyone elses fault but mine. It’s like something inside of me just wants to run the minute I meet somebody because I’m so afraid of getting hurt, but recently my attitude towards all things ‘love’ has began to change. I’m not so afraid anymore.
Without getting too personal here and to cut a long story short, when it comes to ‘relationships’ I tend to do a good job of screwing them up before they’ve even begun. I overthink and get anxious about the smallest of things and because of this I push people away so as not to give them the power to hurt me. I ignore messages, decline seeing them and can be very cold because essentially I’ve somehow always walked around with the theory that to leave is better than to be left. I’d much rather run a mile and let someone believe I wasn’t interested, than open up to someone to be left vulnerable and potentially get myself hurt.
But the truth is that with these actions, I’ve been hurting myself anyway. By not opening myself up to people and not giving things a chance, I could be missing out on so much. I know if they’re not the one then they’re not the one, but how am I ever going to know whether someone’s the one or not if I refuse to give things a go. If I push people away before I can get to know them properly. If I push people away before they can get to know me. Love isn’t a game but the way I’ve behaved before has definitely made it feel like one and it’s no surprise that I’ve always lost. By acting the way I have out of fear of getting hurt, not only have I done to others what I didn’t want doing to me, but I’ve lost anyway because I’ve hurt myself by letting go of people I deep down definitely didn’t want to let go of.
Luckily in the past few weeks I’ve managed to realise that life is life and ‘what is meant for me will never miss me and what misses me was never meant for me’ so really there is no reason to be afraid of falling for someone because if they are the right person, then allowing myself to fall for them could be the best decision I could ever make and if they’re the wrong person, then who cares? Yeah, it may hurt for a while if things don’t work out but if it’s not meant to be then naturally I’ll get over it. On to the next one… There’s no point fearing these things because when we open up our hearts and souls everything falls into place, but when we run away from our problems nobody wins and we all end up getting hurt.
I’ve learnt so much lately about embracing my feelings and I realise now I’d rather open myself up to catching feelings for someone and see where it goes, than shut them out and always be wondering what if.
So the moral of the story is
Don’t be afraid to catch feels.
What’s meant to be will always be,
Que Sera Sera