I still miss August Boy so much, and I don’t really want to write this here in case he sees it and it makes him sad, but I’ve deleted my twitter so I don’t really have anywhere else to vent. It’s honestly mad how you can go from speaking to someone every single day, seeing them on a weekly basis and being so close, to not being in contact at all. I don’t feel scared like I used to, because I know if he’s supposed to be a part of my life he will be and I know it’s not really the end of the relationship as such because I don’t think any relationships really end do they? The dynamic of the relationship changes, sure, but it doesn’t end, it’s still there.
Where I’m at in my life right now, I can’t have AB in my life, even if I wish I could. I’m struggling so much and I’m not in a good place, I don’t want to put any of that burden / negative energy onto him. No way. I feel so sad and I just wish I could rewind time, turn back the clock a few months and be okay again in every sense of the word.
This time a few months ago I felt normal, and sure sometimes I felt anxiety around my ‘relationship’ because it was hard for me, knowing that there was no future in it allegedly so how was I supposed to carry on? But at least despite all that, I still felt normal.
Now I don’t know how I feel. I don’t feel myself and I’m so confused. The breakdown of my relationship with August Boy triggered so many negative emotions for me and it’s not his fault obviously (just saying that in case he’s reading, I would never ever blame him) but I was so upset and cried non stop for days which did me no good at all and in the end I think I cried every single day at least for a month. The horrible emotions I felt after saying goodbye to AB got out of control and it triggered so many more negative emotions inside of me that I guess, had to come to light in order to be addressed but I honestly wish they never existed in the first place. It’s hard to explain without going into too much detail and oversharing, but I’m just rambling I guess and oh seriously, all I want is to feel normal again. Like a normal girl, doing normal things, with her normal friends and family. I hope I get there one day.
Ps. I’m sorry my blogs been so negative lately, I don’t expect anyone to comment on these sad little posts or even like them, this is just my way of getting my feelings out. ❤️