*Warning: potential trigger content*
The breakdown of my relationship with August Boy is what has triggered the darkest and scariest emotions I have ever felt, and I’ve no doubt that if I were working full time during this period of my life I wouldn’t be in the emotional state that I’m in now because I would have distractions, other things to turn my focus towards. But where I haven’t been working, everything I’ve felt has been amplified. Because I’ve had time to dwell, cry and overthink to the max. Honestly, I can’t believe this is happening to me. When I think back to when I met August Boy, I was so content, and maybe I didn’t even realise how good I had it in all aspects of my life. I was in my prime and looking back, I wish I’d treasured each moment more because now all I feel is sadness and regret when I think back to that perfect time in my life.
I want the love back that I felt, for everything and everyone. Now I don’t even know who I am anymore, deep down inside. I want to be the epitome of love, but I just don’t feel it. Where have I gone? I used to be such a loving, kind and positive person. Now I feel like the opposite. I don’t know what my intentions are anymore, or who I really am when all I want is to go back to being the person that I was.
I’ve always struggled with my mental health though it’s never something I’ve really addressed before until now, but looking back I can see so many dots, and lines which connect them. It’s actually quite scary to think about. But I suppose they all have to be addressed and come to light at some point right, in order for me to be truly happy? This is for the greater good, right?
I sincerely hope and like to think that what I’m going through is a ‘spiritual awakening’, it’s the only perfect solution I can have for this. I need it to be a spiritual awakening or something because the reality of it being anything other than that, that I’m going to be stuck in this fear forever is horrifying and I just think thank goodness we’re all going to die one day anyway, because I can’t wait to know peace.
However, even as I write this I keep seeing signs that I am on the right path and that is something that gives me a little bit of hope, and faith. I see angel numbers a lot which calms me so I guess I just have to keep going, it’s the only option. My friend keeps telling me that this is temporary and I won’t feel like this forever, I hope and pray she’s right even though deep down (thank goodness) I do believe that she is. It’s just hard to see it right now.
I want to be happy and I want to smile again, I want to laugh till I cry, I want to connect to people and feel love for them, I want all of that good stuff. So I guess the fact that the desire is there is a good thing, right? Once again I’m just rambling, but this life is a journey and I want to document everything. I so hope that one day I’m documenting my happiness! 😃
I’m going to a ‘healing session’ on Wednesday with a medium who I believe is also a counsellor. Anyway, she does these healing therapy sessions and I’ve heard they are amazing, so I’m hoping and praying she works her magic on me and by the end of this month I’m a whole new person, fresh and sparkly with SO MUCH LOVE.
I don’t want this journey to take forever. I want to overcome my struggles ASAP, because through all the ups and downs of my life, I’ve fully been struggling for 5-6 weeks now which is too long. I don’t wanna waste any more of my life!
This month my goal is to blog every single day, my thoughts and feelings. I have a couple of other posts which I’ve already written up but they may have to come later as I don’t want to interrupt this flow and one post I think I might even rewrite come to think of it. We’ll see!
Anyway, that’s enough for today. It sure is good to have a place to write my thoughts and this blog is a blessing for me, it’s always been my passion. ❤️ I don’t think I have a particular ‘niche’ for this blog, it really is 50 shades of jay because it’s all over the place, in a good way. 😉
As always, thank you all for reading and forever leaving lovely, supportive comments. I really am so grateful, I couldn’t cope without this blog or my amazing blogging friends who are always here for me. Thank you ❤️
I hope everybody has a lovely day today,
lots of love,