The physical pain of heartbreak is actually horrific, just saying.
When I don’t know where to turn, I write.
How do you get over someone you don’t want to forget? Break ups for me have always been hard in the past (as they are for anyone I’m sure), but it’s never been this bad. Because those people never gave me so much to remember maybe? Or I felt safe in my own skin that it didn’t matter that the relationship was over. I didn’t need that person to be happy…
And it was always easy for me tell myself I deserve better.
I could hate my exes etc and want to move on from them so easily, because I could always tell myself what a shit partner they were anyway, but August Boy is / was different and I can’t get my head around it?!?!
He was a dose of perfection when we first met and because of him I realised you don’t have to do extravagent things to make good memories, happy times can be had in the simplest of places. I love the times I spent with August Boy and we never did anything that exciting, we never went on any day trips or anything, we mostly spent our time either at my house, watching tv shows, going for dinner or to the cinema. We don’t have any ‘grand’ memories, but the memories I have with him are enough. Enough to be perfect and enough to break my heart over and over again when I realise that’s all they are now, memories.
August Boy is gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again because how? How could I? First of all, he doesn’t want to and second of all, even if he did want to, I don’t know if I do anymore.
I wanted to be friends with him because to me, these past few weeks it’s felt like I’ve lost one of my best friends because I felt so close to a/b. I loved him and he was my favourite person, I wanted to spend time with him more often than not but also I just wanna say screw him too because where he was like number one to me (ok excluding my parents and besties of course hehe), to him it feels like I was 100000. He woulda put anyone else before me.
And I hate when people say know your worth, you deserve so much better etc, hello I know I do?!?! Although at the same time August Boy is still perfect, and will be perfect to so many people, we just weren’t right for each other but what I mean is it’s frustrating when people say things like that. Like ‘you deserve so much more’ ‘you could have any guy you wanted’, yeah, except the one guy I do want. Which sounds so possesive as well, ew. I don’t want a/b, I just wanted him to be a part of my life.
I thought I was healing but apparantly not. Word of advice ladies and gents, if you just broke up with somebody, delete that person off of all social media asap. It’s for your own good and definitely what I should have done. Because when I saw a/b post a snapchat the other day of him and his friend, it triggered me. My first thought was ‘I’m happy he’s happy’, but that was soon followed by thoughts like ‘wow, he never took any pictures with me’. I don’t have one single picture with August Boy and I knew him for 6 whole months. Grimmo. The funny thing is I definitely remember getting a picture with one of his uni house mates who I met about four times, looool even we got a picture together.
Oh well anyway, the snapchat upset me but I thought I was strong enough to pursue a friendship so I replied to it with a general comment, which kind of led to small talk and then into an argument, but you know what, I don’t even know what I was fighting for. It was like talking to a brick wall, and then I see how August Boy and I, when we’re not on good terms, we bring out the worst in each other, clearly.
In that ‘argument’ he turned into his shadow self and I turned into mine. He was not the man I love but the problem is, that side of him is still a part of him as is the side of me that he doesn’t like. But all the time we bring out the worst in each other, we can never be a part of each others lives. (Obviously).
I need to heal, before August Boy and I can be friends and I think so does he. He needs to be his bestest and strongest self and I need to be mine. Then and only then could we ever reunite. Which makes me wonder, is he my twin flame? I mean if he is I’m not exactly thrilled because I want a soulmate relationship, not a twin flame. Although when it’s right, I know twin flame relationships have potential to be happy (of course), it’s just … I don’t know. I didn’t want a/b to be my twin flame because to me, twin flame relationships are painful af. And I’m rambling now. Forget about this twin flame business. It doesn’t change anything and I don’t think he is my twin flame, I just wanted to get technical. Put a label on it. Spice it up a bit. Whatever.
One of the things that’s hard for me is, my life has changed so drastically since August Boy and I ended. Everything has changed. I’m so different now. But I liked who I was when I was with him (except when we fought). I liked my life. So of course I want that back. I’m scared now, I don’t like this change and even though I try to tell myself it will get better and I can be happy, it feels like I’ll only believe it when I see it. I honestly just want my life back, August Boy included. But I have to accept that is not a possibility. And August Boy can not be my source of happiness. Sure he can enhance my life and bring me happiness, but he can not be my reason. I have to be my reason. I have to find the happiness in myself. And I have to find self love. I have to. That is my mission, my focus for now. Healing myself and loving myself. Then I will find happiness, and then and maybe then, I can be reunited with August Boy.
Also can we just lol at the fact this is a sad post but I’ve used a selfie as the feautured image. Banter. 💃🏻