Out Of The Darkness and Into The Light (It DOES Get Better) My Story

*Trigger warning: This post is all about my personal experience with mental health issues, and my experiences with, shall we say, ‘dark times’, to show people who may be reading this who may also be struggling, that they too can get through and find their happiness. I want everybody reading this to know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, and it does get better. Please do carry on reading if you feel this post will resonate with you, and whether you choose to read on or not, remember good times are coming no matter what you may be going through right now. You’ve got this and you’re going to be just fine. You are loved, you are safe, you are protected. The Universe loves you.


Hello my angels and welcome back to my blog. Today I felt it the right time to touch upon a very important subject, with this post being something that I’ve had in mind to write for a long while now. Ever since I took this picture really:

77D2BEFB-1862-4841-B058-5429466D9571
I took this photo for my Root Chakra lookbook and when I looked at it afterwards, it gave me the vibe of ‘out of the darkness and into the light’, with the way I’m stood walking away turning back towards the camera, as I’m walking through a dark woody area and out into the hint of sunshine and open air blazing ahead. This feeling of ‘out of the darkness and into the light’ resonated with me then, as I realised essentially that’s how far I’d come. Out of the darkness and into the light. I was finding myself again, getting my mojo back, my happiness back. Living my passion and taking my outfit of the day photos again, no longer feeling so afraid anymore. I’d survived, and I was no longer just surviving. I was beginning to live again.

If you’ve followed my blog for a while, or at least for the first 6/7 months of this year, you will know that the beginning of 2019 was tough for me. I experienced a horrible ‘break up’ type thing (type thing stated because it was never an official relationship, but hey, it broke my heart and triggered so many scary emotions for me), and I witnessed my mental health spiral downwards, lower than it had ever been before. I fell into a really dark and scary place, and I’m going to leave a few links to the posts which I wrote when going through these dark times below, if only so if you’re reading this you can clearly see how distraught I was, so you know I am coming from a genuine place of having been through shit, and come out the other side.

‘Dear You, A Letter For My Love’

‘4 Ways I’m Detoxifying My Body For A Better State Of Mind’

Midweek Musings

Monday Musings: In The Midst Of A Journey

Since my ‘break up’, I experienced a horrible flood of emotions. Not just to do with my relationship, but with personal issues in general. Mostly to do with my mental health. These were issues I’d experienced only a little before, but never to this extent and whilst the break up isn’t to blame for these problems, I know it’s what triggered them to rise to the surface. Ultimately, I am grateful these problems arose, because even though it was heartbreaking at the time and I thought I’d never be okay again, these things had to come to light and be dealt with. If they hadn’t of then, then they would still be sat there brewing, only to come to light in time to come, when something else triggered them. They needed to be addressed.

When I started experiencing the downward spiral of my mental health, I felt like I just wanted to be myself again. I didn’t feel normal anymore, and I wondered how other people could go about their daily lives so… normally. I would see other people with their loved ones, smiling and laughing, and I wondered how it was they could live life so ‘normally’, connecting to and having fun with the people they cared for. Because I couldn’t feel it at that point. It makes me cry to think how much of myself I lost in that time of darkness, because I felt like I’d lost everything. I went for a walk with my Mum, and I spent the whole time crying. I can’t believe it when I look back now just how low I had gotten, but I know ultimately it happened for a reason. I needed to break as a person to become whole again, to become the real me I am supposed to be. I feel if I hadn’t have gone through the darkness I experienced, I wouldn’t have experienced as much growth as I have now. My spiritual journey would have taken a very different path, and I wouldn’t be as focused as I am now on bettering my life. It was my experience with my mental health struggles which have ultimately blessed me with so much growth and inner work, so much inspiration, so much strength and so many important, valuable lessons. I began to focus more on self love, and I have learnt how to manage the issues I face so that they no longer get me down like they used to. I still go through shit, there are things which trigger me and I still mentally experience things I’d rather just disappear completely however I have learnt to manage those things so much better now, so they don’t control my life anymore. I control my life, I have the power over my mental health, it doesn’t have the power over me. *Read: Thoughts Are Just Thoughts

I began to live more through my heart centre, something which I have slightly let slip as of late however it’s still there, I know I can focus on that aspect of my journey whenever I choose to and as of now I am going to. Living through my heart centre and focusing on love energy is a life saver and so calming, if you’re ever struggling with your mind I highly recommend you focus on channelling the loving energy of your heart as that is what will soothe you and calm you, and bring you back into your divine energy. Your divine power. Your divine love. If you want to learn more about living through your heart centre then please click here, because I want you to get the best out of this experience and I think this video will help you to do just that. It’s really hard to explain how to live through your heart centre, to sum it up, I would say just put your attention back into your heart and there you will find calm.

Because of my heartbreak, (and I say heartbreak in all sense of the word, not romantic heartbreak although that I was, I was absolutely heartbroken because of the mental health troubles I was experiencing), I found myself meditating more to calm my soul. They say there are no negative side effects to meditation, only positives and this I highly find true. Meditation is something a lot of us could do much more of (I know I could), and when I meditate I always gain so much from the experience, I am so grateful I decided to turn to this. I learnt more about my Chakras and I began to focus on them more, I learnt about my triggers and what things I can do to manage these (for example, I found eating meat to be a trigger for me, so that’s something I’ve stopped doing completely and know now I would never again). I had spiritual counselling sessions, which were amazing and helped me in so, so many ways, I feel safe just knowing that the fantastic lady who helped me through so much is always going to be just an appointment away, and I can trust her to calm me every single time. I am SO grateful to this lady, and I know I will be visiting her more in the future no matter what I am going through as she gives so much guidance and insight, I always feel amazing and realigned after visiting her. Talking is power, and opening up to someone about your struggles is courageous but ultimately it’s something that will benefit your life in so many ways. You should never have to feel alone, or like you’re struggling by yourself, so please, whatever you may go through in life, always be open to opening up. Always be open to communicating. It does and will help. And if you have nobody you feel you can talk to, or you don’t want to open up to someone face to face, my comments are always open and I am here to help you through. Just please talk, and remember, you are loved, and you are not alone.

Finally, I’ve spoken about my journey and how I started dealing with my ‘dark times’ but now I want to get to the point. It does get better. Take it from me, as someone who didn’t even know how they were going to make it to their sisters wedding next year (not even in a suicidal way, but honestly, I just didn’t know how I was going to get there mentally, to a point where I was actually enjoying myself instead of just existing, floating through), I really have come so far. I am living my life again, and feeling like my old self but better. I’m me, but I’ve changed. I am deeper, I have learnt a lot more and I’m still learning. But I’m no longer sat in bed crying everyday, not wanting to live my life. I am excited about things again, I know I have things to look forward to and I know I am safe. I trust that I am safe. I’m blogging properly again, I’m setting myself goals, I’m forming new friendships and cherishing already existing ones. I am living. I make plans, I go out, I laugh and I smile and I actually mean it this time. Sure, not everyday is perfect. I have my moments, I get grumpy and I feel down sometimes, but I’m continuously working on myself and ultimately, I’m not scared anymore. I’m excited for the future, I’m enjoying working on myself, I’m enjoying learning to love myself and I know that all my dreams will come true eventually, I do deserve to be happy and I can enjoy this moment too. Before, I felt like I’d lost all of my dreams. Now, I’ve got them back plus so much more. I feel safe, and I feel protected by the Universe.

I am living once more. And if you look back at where I was a few months ago, just about managing to survive through a day of work, speeding to the car once I’d finished where I’d sit and burst into tears crying to my Mum because I was so petrified of life and of the state of my mental health, well, I’ve come along way. Now I come home from work, eat my dinner and enjoy watching TV, playing computer games, seeing my friends or going to the pub with my family. Not fake enjoying either, genuinely having fun. Feeling present, without Mr Mental Health niggling away in the background, sure he still looms his head every now and then, sometimes he’s always there in the back of my mind but it’s not constant, I’m not overwhelmed by these ‘issues’ anymore and I can focus and be present once more. I’m free to live.

I tell my Mum I love her and I feel it, I make plans with my friends and look forward to these things, I make new friendships and I don’t feel like a fraudster for connecting with other people because I’m not ‘normal’ or whatever. I feel alive again, I feel like a human being, and there’s no such thing as ‘normal’, fear not if you don’t feel ‘normal’, but just know that you’re okay and whatever you may be going through right now, it does get better. I’m living proof of that, and you can be too. Take your story and rewrite the next chapter. Plot twist, your life is going to be one hell of a good one, so sit back and enjoy the ride! You got this beautiful, it’s your life, take back your power and live it. It’s all going to be okay. Your happiness will come back around, you can get through anything and come out the other side. I believe in you, believe in yourself too. Keep going, take it day by day, practice your self love, each day do something for you, something which brings you joy, live from your heart and trust yourself. It’s going to be okay. It is okay. Darkness isn’t forever, the light has to turn back on eventually, and I’m sure it’ll be sooner than you think!

With so much love,

and all the light,

I love you, I love you, I love you

and I’m always here,

love,

Jennie

“It’s okay to break, that’s how the light gets in” – Leeor Alexandra

23 thoughts on “Out Of The Darkness and Into The Light (It DOES Get Better) My Story

  1. This was so beautiful Jennie! Thank you for sharing! Life is a process filled with ups and downs and we all go through something. None of us are alone in that even when we feel we are and no one is immune. I am so happy you are on a healthier path and most importantly learning to be kind to yourself. You re an amazing person and I am so lucky to know you!
    I also LOVE the quote at the end! SO much love to you beauty! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Aw I love you! Thank you so much for your sweet comments always! Yas, you are so right! We think we’re the only ones who go through these things but we’re really not!! Like you say, no one is immune! Thank you so much lovely, it means the world ❤️❤️❤️ I feel so so lucky to know you! Honestly you have no idea ❤️❤️ Omg the quotes amazing isn’t it, and so true!!! It really resonates! Thanks so much for commenting beauty, all the love! ❤️

      Like

  2. This is wonderful and inspiring! The majority of 2017 was tough for me, my mental health was poor, I didn’t suffer with any mental health problems, I just didn’t really feel happy, because I moved to sixth form college from a boarding school and there were so many changes that I struggled to cope with. It was tough because I had so much work to do and struggled to meet deadlines, didn’t achieve great results. Also It felt quite lonely cause I really missed my old friends, but I did make some new friends. I couldnt get a job. But in the back end of 2017, I started making changes, I became more organized, I asked for help, became more open and I made contact with my old friends for meetups. I took care of my self better. My life was still far from perfect, but I was happier and more content, and 2018 became a good year for me, I got two jobs, achieved better results in college, had better relationships with friends and family. Most importantly I felt much happier in 2018 than 2017.

    So even though I don’t view 2017 as a great year for me, I’m grateful for it, because I feel so much stronger now and I can use that experience for the future, cause I know how to manage my mental health.

    My life is still far from perfect. But I am in a good place now, this year has been quite hard, and I have struggled but I have found ways to cope. Writing is something I started doing more this year and it has helped me. Having goals, routine and purpose, gives me motivation.

    I’m sorry this comment is so long, this post inspired me to write about it, thank you so much! Reading from this post you seem like a special character!! Mentally strong and loving.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I’m so glad you shared your story too- that can be so therepeutic. Big changes are hard, especially when you’ve moved somewhere and your friends aren’t there, no job etc to necesarily take your mind off these things but I’m so happy you began to make changes and it sounds like you turned things around beautifully. Two jobs, better relationships etc. It sounds like you took your power back and you were rewarded for it. So pleased to hear your 2018 was a happier one. ❤️

      YES. I love how you said you’re grateful for that year even though it wasn’t the best one. That’s a beautiful perspective! And it’s true, these things are sent for us to grow and become stronger… I’m sure you’re definitely better for it even when it doesn’t feel like that at the time!

      Writing is one of the best therapies! It allows you to get everything out, express yourself and almost detangle and declutter your mind. I love writing, I should personally write in my journal more to be honest with you- SEPTEMBER GOALS! Haha.

      Nooo don’t be sorry about your comment length, I am so grateful you took the time out of your day to stop by and write. Thank you so much and all the happiness sent to you ❤️❤️❤️ may the rest of 2019 be the best of 2019!!! Have a lovely weekend!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah, it is very therepeutic, I felt really good when I wrote it, this something I haven’t really told many people, because I just think that they wouldn’t understand and I felt ashamed (But not now!). I just glad I got it out, feels great. Feel lighter lol.

        Thanks, yh it did feel like I took my power back lol.

        I agree I learned so much from that year than any other year, so I was able to grow so much. I needed to have that year to become stronger in order to become the best of me.

        Writing is a great therapy. I’m not a great talker, I have a mild speech impediment, so my speech ain’t the clearest, but I’m working on it like always, nowadays I do speak much clearer, so for me personally writing does allow to express myself

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh my gosh!!!! I am so glad you felt good getting that out, that’s so amazing!! Awww I’m sorry to hear you felt ashamed, I know there are people out there who don’t understand. There really are, I’ve had conversations with people who just don’t get mental health and that’s not their fault but ultimately, there are so many people out there who do understand and who are there for you, and more people struggle than you think! That’s why I think talking is so important because then you realise oh wait… they’re going through / have been through that too…?!? I am soooo happy to hear you feel lighter for getting it out omg I am so happy for you!!!! Ahh that’s amazing!!!

        Yes! Of course we want everything to be sunshine and rainbows but it’s the hard times that teach us and enable us to grow… YAS exactly!! To become the best you!! 👏🏼👏🏼🙌🏼👏🏼🙌🏼 Love that!! This has shaped you to be your best omg I love it I love it I love it!!!

        Ah that’s amazing to hear your speech has gotten clearer!!! I can see why writing helps you so much and that’s amazing! Aren’t we so lucky to have these amazing tools of expression etc? We really are!!! Amazing props to you for working on it too!!! Go you!

        Ps I’m so glad you don’t feel ashamed anymore!!! I know it’s cliche to say but you should be really proud of yourself and all you’ve evidently achieved!!! Feeling low or down or in a bad place is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, it just shows what a strong person you are to have come through it and taken your power back.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Thank you so much, it means a lot. I never really been an open person, but I am becoming more open. I come to realise that everyone is secretly struggling people just don’t realize. Yh my speech has always been a problems, learning to relax more is helping me. Writing means so much to me. I can express myself so much better.

        Thanks that means so much to me.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. You’re welcome! Becoming more open feels so good- it’s something I’m trying to do more too!! Living authentically and just expressing how I feel!! I so agree- literally everyone goes through stuff and you hear their stories and you think wow, I had no idea other people experience these exact same thoughts as me you know! That’s why I think it’s so important we talk and express ourselves so people know they’re not alone. The more we talk about it the more we can all come together lovingly and make the world a better place! Oh good!!!! Once you relax, things just seem to flow! Writing is the best!!!

        You are so welcome! Hope you are well!

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Agree with everything you say. I haven’t been feeling great this week, been quite tired due to not getting enough sleep. I haven’t been as productive as I wanted to be. I just feel disappointed, I know you can’t always have great week, but I wanted this go well. But I now have a four day weekend so I’m excited to get rest and get momentum back for the next week!

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      6. Most recently I been writing some.songs lol, I’m a shit singer, but it is fun and nice to write songs
        And I find it better than journaling, though journaling is very good.

        Oh thanks, no problem happy to comment, the post was so amazing I just had to write something. Your welcome, I meant every word. I like you, your such as lovely, understanding and supportive person. I enjoy talking to you.

        Thank you so much for your reply, it is so lovely. I hope you have a great rest of the year. You have already weekend too!!

        Liked by 1 person

      7. Omg I write songs and poetry too! It’s literally the best way to get it out! I’m not the best singer either :/ 😦 gonna try and manifest a better singing voice 😂😂 we should totally cowrite a song together one day!!! I love journaling but sometimes it feels like a chore you know? I wish I could be more dedicated to it because in my head it seems like an amazing idea!!! But then I get to the end of the day and I just can’t be bothered! Aw thank you so much, that means the world!!! I enjoy our comment chats, I love how indepth they are and like a proper little chat you know??? I enjoy talking to you too!!! Thanks so much and you too!!! Ps please can you leave the link to your blog again so I have it here as reference lol

        Liked by 1 person

      8. Yh it is, isn’t it, I find it more meaningful than journaling. Yh we should definitely co-write a song together, now that would awesome! I should work on my voice lol but can’t be arsed🤣, I agree I stopped journaling a month ago because it can be boring and depressing sometimes lol, when I think about it journaling does seem great but it just doesn’t live up to the hype when you do actually journal, yh I can’t be bothered as well.

        Yh I agree it’s a real chat about real things, and I really like those conversations because they are meaningful and resourceful. Thanks, that means a lot, You are great to talk to!, Do you use Snapchat, Facebook or Insta. It would nice to have you as a contact. You don’t have to share it with me, just thought it would be nice.

        My blog:
        https://yourcomedy.wordpress.com

        Liked by 1 person

      9. I know what you mean! I think I’d enjoy journaling more if I was typing rather than writing- but I prefer having a physical copy of a journal 🙄 yes it so would be haha ok then well I’ll do the singing you can focus on the writing 😂😂 yeah! Like I said, I’d find it so much more enjoyable and better to type out my journal rather than write, maybe I’ll get a separate laptop just for that and print it out so I have actual copies to look back on too! That’s what I want lol!

        Agreed! Thank you and you too! I’d prefer not to give out my socials personally until we’ve spoken a bit more! I hope that’s okay!?

        Thanks for the link to your blog! It comes up automatically now in my url search bar but I don’t know why your posts don’t come up on my feed?

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful post! It’s always scary when you come face to face with those kinds of emotions that make you spiral to the depths of….a dark dark abyss lol but honestly, those emotions arise for a reason and usually it’s for us to realize that this is just a phase, it’s not going to last forever and something good will come out of this. And I’ve been there before where I’ve felt the same. Like “what makes everyone so happy? Why cant I be happy like them?” Its messed up but I love when you said “I needed to break as a person to become whole again” hits right in the feels because I’ve been there many many times. But in the end, it’s all for us to grow and I’m so glad that you’ve come to that conclusion yourself! 💙💙
    I still need to work on self love, I’m my biggest enemy but you have inspired me loads! I cannot wait to get to where you are and radiate love and act with loving energy at all times. Obviously it’s not gonna be happy times all day every day, but I’m learning to embrace dark times and not letting things get to me as much.
    You are such an amazing woman love, you radiate love and light ! You are an inspiration not just to me but I’m sure to others as well. Love ya!

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    1. Thank you Rossy! It’s terrifying, especially when you’ve never been there before it can be so so scary but I do agree with you, these emotions do arise for a reason and something good always comes from them. Truly. It does get better. And it is all for us to grow. Even though it was a horrible experience what I went through, I know I needed it and it happened for me, but it’s about making others strong so they know they can get through it too and they don’t allow it to destroy their lives completely. It’s picking people back up again and reminding them it does get better. ❤️ Aw Rossy!! You have every reason to love yourself!! Trust me, I’m working on my self love everyday. It feels amazing when it’s consistent, I need to do it more!! But yeah, it’s not always sunflowers and rainbows but like you say it’s how you deal with these things that change. And not letting things get to you as much. I love that!!!!! Thank you so much for your beautiful words Rossy, you are just an angel on Earth!! So much love to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thank you thank you thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No problem! And yes, it’s very scary if you’ve never experienced something like this before. But you didnt dwell on it forever. You knew a change was coming, and you just went for it and look at you now! Much better than before! You picked yourself up and you didnt rely on another person so that alone makes you extremely strong in my eyes. Sometimes we have to go through our own wars with ourselves and learn to deal with our inner emotions head on, by ourselves. It’s not easy but if you can tame that inner voice, you’re home free! 😁💙
        Awh thanks love! You’re the best. I’m sure I’ll get there someday. Working on yourself is hard work, and it’s a forever kind of lesson because you never stop growing spiritually. I’m so glad I met you because you’re definitely someone I look up to! 💙 love ya! Keep spreading your message!

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  4. Seeing other people be “normal”, it constantly feels like being an outsider looking in and wondering. You are such an optimist! You turned something so dark into something so enlightening! I resonate so much with feeling like a fraud when being “happy” with other people because as much as I enjoy it I feel like the creepy demon that is my depression and anxiety reminds me who I truly am and what I don’t deserve. But I am really happy to hear you write that it does get better, you took so many active measures to make things better and it worked out! Writing this is going to give so many people hope, thank you, Jennie.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much beautiful, it means the world!! Omg that is so powerful what you just said, I never knew anyone would resonate with what I meant about being a fraudster but WOW. Please remember angel that your depression and anxiety are just those- demons. That’s not who you are babe and they do not define you!! Everytime they come creeping in say ‘hey depression, I don’t want to speak to you today, bye’! I’m sure that’s something you already know but a little reminder doesn’t hurt ❤️❤️❤️❤️ You so deserve to feel happy and connect with others. Girl I’ve got your back so just know I’m your friend and I’m never gonna think this way about you, I see you for you not the depression or anxiety. I hope that makes sense! It honestly does get better- so much! It’s still there in the back of my mind much more than what I’d like it to be and writing this has almost brought it back up a little because I want to be alll the joyful so the world can be filled with hope and know it does get better- it can feel a little scary at times but thankfully I know I can always speak to my counsellor or my friends if I need to and that’s why I recommend talking so so much- so if you ever want to talk just let me know girl and I’ll send you my email! I’m here to help ❤️❤️❤️❤️ I so hope so, thank you so much Angel! So much love to you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much for saying that, sometimes you don’t want to admit to your friends you suffer from it because then they’ll always see you as “the girl who has anxiety and depression and isn’t capable of etc etc” I’m so happy that people like you exist, I’d love to be there for you anytime too, please talk to me whenever you need to! Love you sweetie! 😌😌😌❤

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  5. Oh Jennie, this post was so beautiful. I love how you described the photo, it truly does look like you’re leaving the darkness & going towards the light. ♡ I remember reading your posts when you were heartbroken, I could feel your pain through your words & all I wanted to do was hug you & make it all go away. I could tell you were doing so much better when your content became bright & cheery again. You really pushed through a rough patch & it’s inspiring how you came out soso much stronger. If this had been a book, there would be highlight marks every other sentence. Thanks so much for sharing, babe. ♡ I am so happy you’ve grown from all the hurt & are loving yourself more & more. You deserve the world!

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