*Trigger warning: This post is all about my personal experience with mental health issues, and my experiences with, shall we say, ‘dark times’, to show people who may be reading this who may also be struggling, that they too can get through and find their happiness. I want everybody reading this to know that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel, and it does get better. Please do carry on reading if you feel this post will resonate with you, and whether you choose to read on or not, remember good times are coming no matter what you may be going through right now. You’ve got this and you’re going to be just fine. You are loved, you are safe, you are protected. The Universe loves you.
Hello my angels and welcome back to my blog. Today I felt it the right time to touch upon a very important subject, with this post being something that I’ve had in mind to write for a long while now. Ever since I took this picture really:
I took this photo for my Root Chakra lookbook and when I looked at it afterwards, it gave me the vibe of ‘out of the darkness and into the light’, with the way I’m stood walking away turning back towards the camera, as I’m walking through a dark woody area and out into the hint of sunshine and open air blazing ahead. This feeling of ‘out of the darkness and into the light’ resonated with me then, as I realised essentially that’s how far I’d come. Out of the darkness and into the light. I was finding myself again, getting my mojo back, my happiness back. Living my passion and taking my outfit of the day photos again, no longer feeling so afraid anymore. I’d survived, and I was no longer just surviving. I was beginning to live again.
If you’ve followed my blog for a while, or at least for the first 6/7 months of this year, you will know that the beginning of 2019 was tough for me. I experienced a horrible ‘break up’ type thing (type thing stated because it was never an official relationship, but hey, it broke my heart and triggered so many scary emotions for me), and I witnessed my mental health spiral downwards, lower than it had ever been before. I fell into a really dark and scary place, and I’m going to leave a few links to the posts which I wrote when going through these dark times below, if only so if you’re reading this you can clearly see how distraught I was, so you know I am coming from a genuine place of having been through shit, and come out the other side.
Since my ‘break up’, I experienced a horrible flood of emotions. Not just to do with my relationship, but with personal issues in general. Mostly to do with my mental health. These were issues I’d experienced only a little before, but never to this extent and whilst the break up isn’t to blame for these problems, I know it’s what triggered them to rise to the surface. Ultimately, I am grateful these problems arose, because even though it was heartbreaking at the time and I thought I’d never be okay again, these things had to come to light and be dealt with. If they hadn’t of then, then they would still be sat there brewing, only to come to light in time to come, when something else triggered them. They needed to be addressed.
When I started experiencing the downward spiral of my mental health, I felt like I just wanted to be myself again. I didn’t feel normal anymore, and I wondered how other people could go about their daily lives so… normally. I would see other people with their loved ones, smiling and laughing, and I wondered how it was they could live life so ‘normally’, connecting to and having fun with the people they cared for. Because I couldn’t feel it at that point. It makes me cry to think how much of myself I lost in that time of darkness, because I felt like I’d lost everything. I went for a walk with my Mum, and I spent the whole time crying. I can’t believe it when I look back now just how low I had gotten, but I know ultimately it happened for a reason. I needed to break as a person to become whole again, to become the real me I am supposed to be. I feel if I hadn’t have gone through the darkness I experienced, I wouldn’t have experienced as much growth as I have now. My spiritual journey would have taken a very different path, and I wouldn’t be as focused as I am now on bettering my life. It was my experience with my mental health struggles which have ultimately blessed me with so much growth and inner work, so much inspiration, so much strength and so many important, valuable lessons. I began to focus more on self love, and I have learnt how to manage the issues I face so that they no longer get me down like they used to. I still go through shit, there are things which trigger me and I still mentally experience things I’d rather just disappear completely however I have learnt to manage those things so much better now, so they don’t control my life anymore. I control my life, I have the power over my mental health, it doesn’t have the power over me. *Read: Thoughts Are Just Thoughts
I began to live more through my heart centre, something which I have slightly let slip as of late however it’s still there, I know I can focus on that aspect of my journey whenever I choose to and as of now I am going to. Living through my heart centre and focusing on love energy is a life saver and so calming, if you’re ever struggling with your mind I highly recommend you focus on channelling the loving energy of your heart as that is what will soothe you and calm you, and bring you back into your divine energy. Your divine power. Your divine love. If you want to learn more about living through your heart centre then please click here, because I want you to get the best out of this experience and I think this video will help you to do just that. It’s really hard to explain how to live through your heart centre, to sum it up, I would say just put your attention back into your heart and there you will find calm.
Because of my heartbreak, (and I say heartbreak in all sense of the word, not romantic heartbreak although that I was, I was absolutely heartbroken because of the mental health troubles I was experiencing), I found myself meditating more to calm my soul. They say there are no negative side effects to meditation, only positives and this I highly find true. Meditation is something a lot of us could do much more of (I know I could), and when I meditate I always gain so much from the experience, I am so grateful I decided to turn to this. I learnt more about my Chakras and I began to focus on them more, I learnt about my triggers and what things I can do to manage these (for example, I found eating meat to be a trigger for me, so that’s something I’ve stopped doing completely and know now I would never again). I had spiritual counselling sessions, which were amazing and helped me in so, so many ways, I feel safe just knowing that the fantastic lady who helped me through so much is always going to be just an appointment away, and I can trust her to calm me every single time. I am SO grateful to this lady, and I know I will be visiting her more in the future no matter what I am going through as she gives so much guidance and insight, I always feel amazing and realigned after visiting her. Talking is power, and opening up to someone about your struggles is courageous but ultimately it’s something that will benefit your life in so many ways. You should never have to feel alone, or like you’re struggling by yourself, so please, whatever you may go through in life, always be open to opening up. Always be open to communicating. It does and will help. And if you have nobody you feel you can talk to, or you don’t want to open up to someone face to face, my comments are always open and I am here to help you through. Just please talk, and remember, you are loved, and you are not alone.
Finally, I’ve spoken about my journey and how I started dealing with my ‘dark times’ but now I want to get to the point. It does get better. Take it from me, as someone who didn’t even know how they were going to make it to their sisters wedding next year (not even in a suicidal way, but honestly, I just didn’t know how I was going to get there mentally, to a point where I was actually enjoying myself instead of just existing, floating through), I really have come so far. I am living my life again, and feeling like my old self but better. I’m me, but I’ve changed. I am deeper, I have learnt a lot more and I’m still learning. But I’m no longer sat in bed crying everyday, not wanting to live my life. I am excited about things again, I know I have things to look forward to and I know I am safe. I trust that I am safe. I’m blogging properly again, I’m setting myself goals, I’m forming new friendships and cherishing already existing ones. I am living. I make plans, I go out, I laugh and I smile and I actually mean it this time. Sure, not everyday is perfect. I have my moments, I get grumpy and I feel down sometimes, but I’m continuously working on myself and ultimately, I’m not scared anymore. I’m excited for the future, I’m enjoying working on myself, I’m enjoying learning to love myself and I know that all my dreams will come true eventually, I do deserve to be happy and I can enjoy this moment too. Before, I felt like I’d lost all of my dreams. Now, I’ve got them back plus so much more. I feel safe, and I feel protected by the Universe.
I am living once more. And if you look back at where I was a few months ago, just about managing to survive through a day of work, speeding to the car once I’d finished where I’d sit and burst into tears crying to my Mum because I was so petrified of life and of the state of my mental health, well, I’ve come along way. Now I come home from work, eat my dinner and enjoy watching TV, playing computer games, seeing my friends or going to the pub with my family. Not fake enjoying either, genuinely having fun. Feeling present, without Mr Mental Health niggling away in the background, sure he still looms his head every now and then, sometimes he’s always there in the back of my mind but it’s not constant, I’m not overwhelmed by these ‘issues’ anymore and I can focus and be present once more. I’m free to live.
I tell my Mum I love her and I feel it, I make plans with my friends and look forward to these things, I make new friendships and I don’t feel like a fraudster for connecting with other people because I’m not ‘normal’ or whatever. I feel alive again, I feel like a human being, and there’s no such thing as ‘normal’, fear not if you don’t feel ‘normal’, but just know that you’re okay and whatever you may be going through right now, it does get better. I’m living proof of that, and you can be too. Take your story and rewrite the next chapter. Plot twist, your life is going to be one hell of a good one, so sit back and enjoy the ride! You got this beautiful, it’s your life, take back your power and live it. It’s all going to be okay. Your happiness will come back around, you can get through anything and come out the other side. I believe in you, believe in yourself too. Keep going, take it day by day, practice your self love, each day do something for you, something which brings you joy, live from your heart and trust yourself. It’s going to be okay. It is okay. Darkness isn’t forever, the light has to turn back on eventually, and I’m sure it’ll be sooner than you think!
With so much love,
and all the light,
I love you, I love you, I love you
and I’m always here,
“It’s okay to break, that’s how the light gets in” – Leeor Alexandra