I remember tracing your face with my fingertips as you slept. I can still visualise that moment now, a memory living in my head. I did care about you, I did. I tried my best but I was young, and I didn’t know a lot about relationships. I learnt a lot from you, as I have with every man I’ve ever ‘loved’ before. You were older than me. I liked that. You said you were nice. I learnt, it’s always the guys who are so sure to tell you how good they are, that usually turn out to be the ones who will break you the most. Never trust a guy who tells you he’s a good guy. Maybe that’s a bit extreme, but, listen to the words, trust the actions. A man can tell you how nice he is until the cows come home, but if his actions don’t align, then it means nothing. And it’s not that You weren’t nice, I’m sure you’re very nice now, perhaps you learnt from me just as much as I learnt from you. But you treated me badly, that’s for sure.
It wasn’t awful. I know people who have had it a million times worse. A billion. But it wasn’t the greatest experience of my life, not at all. Every night out would end in tears, weeks without talking, weeks with contact. I cried a lot either way. I visualised marrying you. I visualised bumping into you again in the future, we’d catch up, you’d realise how much you loved me, we’d get back together. At the time it was my greatest dream, and I guess it kind of did happen in the end. Too little too late. You told me you loved me, I’d moved on.
I guess you don’t know what you have till she’s gone.
I learnt a lot from you. Always trust your gut. I knew things weren’t right but I so desperately wanted things to work out between us because I truly did care about you, and I never ever wanted to hurt you.
You were sweet at first. Then came the arguments, mostly down to me and my insecurities. I hope in my next relationship, I won’t be like that. I hope I’ll be more secure, because you never even did anything to make me feel insecure to begin with. But I was anxious, two hours without a text back and I was waiting by the phone, not able to concentrate on anything until you’d text me back. That’s on me, and I was silly. But I’ve learnt. I will never be that way again. Because I am becoming more and more secure in myself each day. My future relationship will be two independent people coming together to create something beautiful, and I will thrive both with my soulmate, and without. A world together, and a world to grow and express ourselves individually. I will be living my own life, and I won’t be stressing over a text back because I will be so secure in myself and my relationship that I know the text back will come, I don’t need to worry, and if it doesn’t, then obviously, he isn’t the one. I’m not worried about being ghosted anymore, because ghosting is so last year. Maybe not, I’m sure it still happens but I’m so over stressing about whether it happens to me. Because if I’m ever ghosted again, I know never to take that person back, not to accept that kind of behaviour. If you can’t see my worth, that’s on you. Why am I going to worry about being ghosted? If I’m ghosted, it’s a blessing in disguise because hello, that person obviously isn’t meant for me. So yeah, I guess I learnt from You, second chances are allowed but a third, fourth and fifth chance (more like seventeenth, eighteenth and nineteenth chance)? It’s a no from me. The first time it’s a mistake… the second time you know what you’re doing.
If you loved me, you should have known then. Not when you realised I was gone. You didn’t love me babe, if you did, you wouldn’t have played me the way you did. And that’s okay because we both learnt from this. We can both take these lessons from our relationship into our next ones, whoever they may be with. You won’t make the same mistakes, nor will I. We will be with the right people (or so I hope). Eventually, we will both end up with our soulmates. Even if it’s not the next relationship or the one after that. Maybe, we will have to repeat our lessons until we learn, but I’ve think I’ve learnt. No third chances, heck, maybe not even a second depending on the mistake. Really. I should never have given you a second chance, because yours was a pretty big mistake. You can’t leave me and be in talks with another girl, then expect me to take you back. That action should never have been second chance worthy. You evidently didn’t see my worth in the first place otherwise you’d never have done that, so I guess I’m still learning. No second chances, depending on the mistake. But if you don’t see my worth, and you break me or hurt me or disrespect me so blatantly, then boy bye. Fuck. I’m just gonna say no second chances at all. If we break up, we break up. An ex is an ex for a reason and to quote the Queen Taylor Swift ‘we are never, ever, ever, getting back together’. Onto the next one honey. I guess you gotta just go with your gut… another lesson I learned from You. Always trust your gut. If something doesn’t feel right it’s because it isn’t, and you can never go wrong when following your intuition. It’s there for a reason. It is your guide.
So… You taught me a lot. You gave me new experiences. You gave me a whole world of a wild experience. My relationship with you is a story to say the least! So thank you, thanks for the excitement, thanks for the moments, thank you for the memories, thank you for the lessons.
I wish you the best in life, I do. You have taught me to be humble and to move on gracefully, for that is kindness. To wish You the best, to pray you find your happiness and peace… and to pray karma doesn’t bite you in the ass for the way you treated me 😉 I’m just kidding on that last one, kind of, because it’s not a joke. You hurt me A LOT, so damn I don’t wish that karma on you at all. You didn’t know any better. You were learning and growing just as I was. You’re on your own journey, as am I. I forgive you. And I am sorry too. I know I was far from perfect in our relationship. So once again, thank you for the lessons. I let You go gracefully. And I wish you all the best, and I wish you all the happiness and love. Be blessed with it. Thank you. ❤️
*This post was of course inspired by the Netflix movie ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ and is the first in a series I will be continuing naturally, to all the fellas I’ve loved before. I wouldn’t mind waiting until February to write and publish my next ones but we shall see… in fact, I may just save someone special until then (not a current love interest) hehe. And who knows, maybe I’ll have another someone special to write about by the time good ol’ Valentines Day 2020 rolls around, a girl can dream ;)*