Hello my loves! How are you today? I’m feeling a little deep – I just discovered a big block around sex and romantic relationships in my life, and I wanted to talk about this. I’m excited!
Recently, I slept with someone, a one night stand type of thing, after saying previously, I wouldn’t sleep with anyone again unless they deserved that side of me. I’ve uncovered a lot of beliefs about sex this past year or so, things that have surrounded me and honestly, everything has changed. This guy who I slept with asked me ‘what do you like’? (Obviously referring to sexual activity), and I was saying stuff, but actually, that’s what past me used to like. I know what this ‘current’ version of myself likes with myself, and how I envision making love, but for me, the type of sex I desire now is I guess, intimate, with someone who cares about me. So whatever I said I liked, I mean, sure, I might like that when I’m in a relationship, but based on my own experiences I truly imagine sex hits different when you’re with someone you love. Not that it can’t be good with ‘just anyone’ (no shade, not encouraging you to go out and sleep with strangers nor am I saying you shouldn’t – just be careful, make sure someone knows where you are, all that stuff). I’ve had some good ‘one night stands’ in the past, though have I ever felt that good about them after? Honestly looking back, not really. I get attached so easily, which is one thing I’ve learnt about how I’ve viewed sex in previous years. I realised today, one of my exes told me how important sex was to him. Has this triggered something in me? I remember my first boyfriend invited me to stay at his house, and I felt NERVOUS because I was worried about being on my period or something and I wouldn’t be able to sleep with him because of that, and I felt anxious about telling him etc etc – like the only reason he invited me to stay was for that reason. I’m sure my sister said something along the lines of ‘well if that’s the case, he’s not the one’ which is so true. Why was I worried about this? Why have I devalued my worth over the years to being someone that people only want to sleep with? It actually makes me a little bit emotional thinking about it. And I realise with this guy that I recently slept with – it’s because I carried on that same belief. We were at the club, and he suggested going back to his. He hadn’t asked for my number or Facebook or anything, and I thought ‘shit, it’s now or never, I might as well go and sleep with him because If I say no, nothing else is going to happen / he won’t ask for my number / I won’t see him again’ blah blah blah. First of all, why am I reducing my worth? Why wouldn’t he want to see me again? Why wouldn’t he ask for my number? I really can’t believe my thought process behind this.
Like – If I’d have said ‘no I’m going home alone’, many things could have happened, firstly, he could have asked for my number and said we’d go out on a PROPER date which is what I deserve, secondly, he may have said ‘okay no worries, nice to meet you’ and that would have been that – both perfectly reasonable responses, he wouldn’t be wrong for either of those, but do I want someone who only wants to have sex with me? No, yes I want someone who wants to have sex with me but also someone who wants to make love with me, someone who wants to take me out on dates and treat me like a Princess. For someone who goes on and on about self love, when it comes to this type of thing, I’ve learnt a lot and this recent experience has taught me even more. If I’m honest, it’s a great thing because it’s a learning experience. I don’t regret it because I am so thankful for the lesson and all it’s taught me, I really don’t think I’ll have a one night stand again based on this experience unless it’s something I truly truly want, and not something I’m doing because I’m lowering my worth and lowering my standards on how I expect to be treated and what I deserve. I didn’t go back with that guy because I wanted the sex really, I went back because I wanted some kind of affection or attention, I don’t even know, some type of excitement, and I didn’t think I’d get his attention or interest if I didn’t go back with him. But if I had of said no, and he hadn’t asked for my number or to take me out, then whilst he is perfectly entitled to that response, that wouldn’t be what I’m looking for anyway.
*Side note just to be clear again in case this guy is reading, I obviously fancied this guy haha, and I wanted to spend more time with him 🙂
So the update is, I left this guys house and never gave him my number nor did he give me his. Again, my lack of confidence showing there because I scurried out the house – boss bitch Jennie would have said ‘are you not going to ask for my number then?’ And she would have handled the situation with Grace either way, not scurried out the house because she was afraid of rejection. So this truly is a learning curve and I love it. I believe my number has been passed onto this guy now, so if he texts me, cool, he’s a good looking guy and I got on well with him (if you’re reading this, shout out to youuu lol), so I would definitely go on a date with him, but am I fucking about with sex when it’s not coming from a sexual desire but more the intent to keep someone’s interest / build a connection etc etc? No I am not.
I have so much to say on this subject, so I’m sure I’ll write more posts on this topic coming soon!
Remember, you are worthy of soul much love my absolute darlings. If anyone can’t treat you the way you deserve, then that’s not rejection it’s redirection, the Universe only wants what’s best for you. Never settle.
Give yourself the best,
Lots of love,
P.S – today would have been a great day for a condom company or Ann Summers to have sponsored me with a #ad – calling it in 😂😉 for any business enquiries please email me at JenniferRBallard222@yahoo.com 😛
P.P.S Just want to say in case the guy I slept with is somehow reading, this is about me and my experiences lol you’re cool. Even cooler for reading my blog. 😂🤪
Have a beautiful day!
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