My intention is that this blog post and the information shared in this blog post is used for the highest good of all only, with love, that it heals and uplifts and brings a happier, healthier world, for the highest good of all. Thank you thank you thank you. ❤️
TRIGGER WARNING – this post discusses mental health, dark thoughts, intrusive thoughts, inner child connection and healing, past triggers / potentially what could be deemed as darker topics.
When I was younger, someone called me a ‘murderer’. It was a joke. But it’s stuck with me forever and I believe, could be one of the root causes for the mental health struggles I have experienced.
Set the scene, I was a young girl, and I was at home with a loved one and their work colleague, I think they were working in the garage or something outside, getting tools ready or something, I noticed that the front door was open and they were around the corner, so not really paying much attention. Growing up I was always afraid of there being a ‘murderer’ in the house, and I would make my mum check every room when I went to bed to come back to confirm that all rooms were safe. I don’t know where this fear came from, maybe a past life, who knows, but it was a fear and I always had to check. When I noticed that the front door was wide open and nobody was watching it, I was fuming – okay, I can’t quite remember exactly if I was fuming, but I was concerned and I went outside to express my concerns saying ‘we shouldn’t leave the front door wide open like this, a murderer could come in’, even typing this word makes me feel uncomfortable as fuck, but I am. Anyway, because I was going on about this and my concerns, based on my memory of the event, I remember my loved ones work colleague saying I was a murderer or something along those lines, or that I was obsessed, I just can’t remember exactly but I do remember the event and him interpreting it in a negative way towards myself, when actually I was expressing concern and wanting to keep the family / myself / the house safe. I also want to point out how it’s funny that as I write this, and as I’ve told this story recently to a loved one, I start to invalidate my own experiences because I think ‘am I being dramatic?’ Or ‘do I remember it wrong’, but the very fact I’m remembering it enough to write about it today shows that clearly it had an impact on me, and I am writing to express the importance of speaking kindly to others, especially children. Our children need love, support, uplifting , and the power of our words can positively change peoples lives (sidenote: although remember we can always take back our power – so only good can come to us and we don’t have to let negative words affect us – we have the power to protect ourselves)
Anyway, back to the story. I remember being quite annoyed that this work colleague didn’t seem to understand my concern and instead was taking the piss out of me, for being protective or whatever. It’s not this guys fault, he was just doing what he thought was funny, and now I am older and have more awareness, other peoples negativity doesn’t always have so much effect over me. I decide who I am, I decide what words I give my power to, but sometimes, my inner child struggles, and I don’t like certain banter that attacks my character in a negative way. I’m not talking about playfulness in certain terms, banter is funny when it’s the right banter, but of course, we all have triggers. Sometimes you have to ask people to be gentle with you, because just because they may not understand where you are coming from, and what triggers you doesn’t necessarily trigger them, they can still respect how you feel and honour that and vice versa, I know also, as a child, I made jokes about other people that clearly (to me) had no meaning in them whatsoever but actually, just because I thought I was being funny, it doesn’t mean I was. I don’t want to delve into the situation too deeply as I want to keep good energy for everyone involved as best as possible whilst still sharing my story, but the point is, we have all been there on both sides of the story. We are not perfect, all we can do is our best and learn, again, hence why I am sharing this story. Because reflecting on my trigger has made me realise how much someone’s words have affected me, now I know where I can do better. Especially with children, I know when I have kids I will be praising them everyday, showering them with positive affirmations and good words, and if I was a teacher, I would ensure I did the best I could to speak lovingly to the kids and celebrate them everyday as best I can. The same with everyone really, but kids and babies are sponges, so let them soak up the good stuff. ❤️
Okay – back to the story – I guess I kind of ‘forgot’ about this event with my loved ones work colleague for a while as you do. I was young, I got on with life, I didn’t know anything about Spirituality, healing or protection at the time. I didn’t know about self love or to cleanse my energy – side note- self love definitely needs to be taught in schools. I carried on with my life, until a few years ago, when my mental health crippled. I’d obviously known about the Law Of Attraction for a while, since I was around 18 I think, but the true deep Spiritual awakening came in 2019, when I went through a particularly challenging time triggered by a ‘break up’. Now I have said before it was nothing to do with my ‘ex’ in terms of how bad I felt, it was absolutely nothing to do with him but the way I felt about the breakup, that triggered dark thoughts for me, for example, intrusive thoughts.
I struggled darkly for a short while (thank God it wasn’t for long), as thankfully I had a great support system around me and was able to turn to Spirituality to heal. I started having spiritual counselling sessions with my hero, and the turn to Spirituality has turned my life around for the better. I truly believe in this, and I will advocate for Spirituality forever. Inner work is healing, inner work is rewarding.
It can be scary at times, you have to face darkness, but know that you will get through it, the darkness is what takes us to the light. As my favourite Leeor Alexandra shared ‘it’s okay to break, that’s how the light gets in’.
Whilst I was struggling badly with my mental health, I lost who I thought I was, and I didn’t trust myself. I honestly was terrified that I was a ‘bad person’. I felt guilty all the time, though I had done nothing wrong, and I was scared, so scared. I learnt about ‘intrusive thoughts’ and how, they don’t make us who we are. I really have pretty much eliminated these now, if not learnt how to handle them so whilst sometimes, they can lurk, I really don’t give them anytime of day because I know they are not the truth. So to anyone who may be going through something similar, you are not your intrusive thoughts. Find meditation, repeat positive affirmations, figure out the root cause and rewrite your story. I’ve gotten through it and so can you. Also, talk, open up to someone you can trust or a spiritual counsellor, which is something I very much advocate for. Working with a spiritual counsellor really helps on the healing process, and you know you are not alone. Just knowing I have my spiritual counsellor who I can book an appointment with if I need to is a safe space for me – just having that knowledge, but also – you have the power too. Focus on self love, and you will get there.
As I was going through this ‘dark night of the soul’ you could say, and experiencing dark mental health issues, as I was healing, I guess the trigger of what my loved ones work colleague said to me came up – I began to link the two things – this man calling me a murderer and me thinking I was a bad person – together. That stayed with me in my subconscious, and I wonder if they are linked. I will never know for sure, although that’s just my ‘me not trusting myself’ voice talking. I know it’s linked. And it’s not that guys fault, he didn’t know, but we must be careful with what we say to others. Especially children. They need love.
Thankfully, I healed a lot and of course, as you know if you’ve read my blog for a long time, I am much happier and healthier than I was back then. I am ALIVE! I am SAFE! I have fun and this experience led me to Spirituality which lights up my life and I fucking love it! So trust me, everything is happening FOR you even when it doesn’t feel so much like it. You truly do have the power to not only heal your life, but to find happiness, a purpose, love joy and fun too. Some of the best days of all our lives haven’t even happened yet, baby.
I’ve been thinking about this trigger and past experience a little more recently, as I have made the effort to connect with that little girl who was told ‘she’s obsessed with murderers’ or whatever it was that ‘hey, that man was just joking, laugh at him little one that’s not who you are, you are sweet and caring for wanting to keep your family safe, believe in yourself darling, you are good’, trying to talk to her and nurture her and protect her. I have began to feel angry about the situation, although just as fleeting I feel as though that anger is gone. It’s like writing this blog post has helped. Anger is not a bad thing when we know how to handle it. Read ‘Sekhmet’s’ page from the Divine Feminine Oracle by Meggan Watterson and you’ll see that – you can read more about this card here.
I do still have my moments and my triggers, but I understand now, especially with my thinking about this more recently, it’s just a call for me to heal even further. I’m going to share this screenshot from a message I sent –
I had a good mental health day because I was shown what needed to be addressed going forward, so that I can heal even more and find even more peace and happiness, and hopefully help others too. Maybe next time I’ll be more clear and write ‘today I will have a peaceful mental health day’, but hey, if I hadn’t of requested a good mental health day, I may never have been triggered that day to shine the light on where I need to heal even further.
Going forward for me, it’s self love self love self love as always, I am learning to trust myself, to trust my heart, I don’t have to overthink or question everything. – I can trust. Trust in myself, trust in my heart, and trust in the beauty of life.
It’s all perfect.
Thank you so much for reading,
I hope you have a blessed day.
Remember to talk,
Remember to write,
Remember to heal.
You are loved, you are safe. The Universe has got you.
I love you all so much, please keep the faith,
Lots of love,
For NHS mental health resources please click here https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/nhs-voluntary-charity-services/charity-and-voluntary-services/get-help-from-mental-health-helplines/
For MIND mental health crisis hotlines please click here https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/helplines-listening-services/
*IMPORTANT – AS I AM FROM THE UK, please leave your countries mental health resources website in the comments below if you can so we can have a fuller directory for others to find peace.
To work with me please email me at JenniferRBallard222@yahoo.com
For more on all things mental health please click here.
For more on all things Spirituality please click here.
For more on all things self love please click here.
Teachers who have helped me –
Affirmations: ‘It is safe for me to speak my truth’
‘I am Loved’
‘I am divinely protected at all times’
‘I love myself’
‘Everything is happening for me’
‘I am love’
‘Everything is working out best case scenario, for the highest good of all’ – everything is working out best case scenario affirmation is from the Divine Goddess Activation Vibration
*I protect this blog post with love – from my highest self heart to yours, and that of the Divine. God bless*
Featured Image made on Canva